It’s been over a year since I wrote the post below. I finally have the courage to share it. This process has helped me with so much since then. When you let go it’s like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. This time of year can be hard for so many of us. If the holidays get you down, I suggest figuring out what you need to let go of. Then let it go.
July 2015- Last year my mom turned 50, my dad turned 70. He had a big party. I was not invited. His children flew in from across the world but I wasn’t there. I wasn’t hurt. These things had become a normal part of my life. They had lost their ability to hurt me.
Other people wanted to know why I wasn’t at the party. Well I wasn’t invited. There’s been a lot of stories about my relationship with my father. The gossip spreads quickly. I give this post a week before people stop my mom and ask her about it. Every once in awhile the issue of my dad pops up. I never address it. It’s not anyone’s business.
However it might help people to understand how I got to this place. When I was 16 I decided that I would stop being the adult in the relationship. I cried myself to sleep for one month. Then I was done. Now that I am 32 I decided to look at why people feel the need to question my dynamic with my father.
After careful examination I realized it can be summed up in one sentence.
They know their father loves them, I don’t.
This is just a statement of fact. I could give you evidence to support it but I don’t think that would serve anyone. This is my truth. It’s how it is and that’s okay. It may change later. And that will be okay too.
Then I let go of it. That means I’m not hung up on it. My mother loves me unconditionally. I have aunts, cousins, kids, all my surrogate families from CGA who love me. My life is full. I am happy.
I am sharing this because I recognize that so many of us need to heal the deep wounds of our childhood. We need to let go of the thought patterns that keep hurting us for years and years. When I was 5 I thought Tracy Chapman’s “I’m sorry” was about my father.
Now I know better. I also know why this song used to make me sad. It doesn’t make me sad anymore. I’ve let go and I’m moving on.
What are you letting go of?